Confessions

What happens if one day you woke up and find out your world has changed? The hopes and dreams that you once firmly hold on to started to shatter due to doubt and suspicion. You lost your passion and were shocked to see that you didn't really enjoy any piece of fulfilling it. Maybe that was not your true destiny after all. But if that wasn't, then what else is?

 

Over these few days, I had been thinking deeply about my future. And as I proceeded with my thoughts, I started to realize that I don't even like to be a physician nor will managed to enjoy it after I am one.  I had been refusing to face the truth of this for so long and kept on marking it as my ambition. Now I realized that it's no use trying to run away from this topic. When I understand it deeply, I felt that it was not what I wanted at first. So, the soul searching continues at this critical state where everybody is going towards their respected pathways.

I am even now depressed when I found out that I didn't even really know myself. It has been 18 years and until today I still didn't know what I want in my life. This is really a big shame for me. I feared that I can't perform well in my career in the future. This is because I didn't have confidence in myself. I knew most of my weaknesses and scared that I may not succeed in coping with it. I am very unskillful and this saddens me every time I tried to think about it. How can an unskillful doctor treat a patient? I am currently trying to rectify this part of me. I really wanted to cry every time I think about this. I may look smarter and better than my friends but actually I am way more worse than all of them. At least they are not as childish as I am. They know what they want and what to get in their lives. But I am still undecided until today. This world is a complicated place and sometimes I doubt whether a naive and simple person like me can build my own heaven and led a financially stable life.  

Many people think that having an excellent record in terms of academic and co-curriculum will surely perform well in their future careers. But I tell you what, these records can only assist you to get your desired pathway. They cannot proof anything except that. Even though you perform well in your undergraduate and postgraduate years, you may still ended up as a jobless person after your education. Nothing in this world is certain. If you think that you are better than others, think again. You are just lucky that you haven't met your match. Everybody has his or her own talents or abilities and posses equal chances of success. Nobody is perfect and nobody is the winner among the winners. Hence, I realize that we must be humble and at the same time respect our friends and competitors. We must always remember to spare some space for self-improvement as we cannot stop at our success and past glories because they were now a page away in history. Hence, don't ever become overconfident about ourselves. 

It feels good to confess my ill thoughts that clouded my mind these days. I look forward in finding my destiny and resolving my doubts. Only by that day, I can proudly walk away as a determined person in this life.